Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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