Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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