toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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