i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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