Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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