He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
