my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this boner is exhausting
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
