Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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