Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
