My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
