i love accidental penises.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
