piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
