Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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