Swine flu. Run for my life!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
