listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
