I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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