I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
