So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
