There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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