Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
