I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I have fence marks all over my body
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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