I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
