She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
