Me. At least after what I've been through.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
