pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
