My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
