what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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