but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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