He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
