Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
