I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
two words...techno handjob
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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