i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
