Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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