K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
