it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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