i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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