He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
