Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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