the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
50% drunk capacity currently
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
