I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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