Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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