I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
