my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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