The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
