did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
