So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
