If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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