oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
