I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
