I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
