I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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