goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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