and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
