I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
